I hate the expression of going travelling to “find yourself” and passionately denied that it was my reason for coming to Australia- but as I am now into the final quarter of my time here I can wholeheartedly say that this has been the most valuable experience of my life and I have learnt more in one year than I have learnt from 18 years of education. I’ve already mentioned that my first few months of being in Melbourne felt lonely and unproductive, and with this I found myself adopting unhealthy behaviours. So without further ado, here’s a reflection of my Australian adventure!

It’s Sunday evening and I am sat in Fonda, Chapel Street. I have taken myself for dinner to enjoy a healthy bowl of food and jot down my thoughts, a practice which I have found to love since being here! My reason for saying this is that it marks a significant shift in my mindset- six months ago I would have felt uncomfortable to admit this publicly in the fear that people would see me as a loner or an over-thinker - I thought that people would judge me as incapable of making friends while i’m out here alone. While I have always been very independent, lack of confidence has always been my biggest weakness. For some reason something has clicked over this past month and I am the most content I have felt so far with my life, so I want to reflect on what it’s taken to get to this point.

LONELINESS

This is one of the first things I mentioned on the blog. On reflection it wasn’t interacting with people which was necessarily difficult, but impatience to establish friendships with people in the way I had established with people over my entire lifetime at home. I sought people I could confide in emotionally and fully be myself. For months I kept my emotions to myself in the fear my new friends would see me as a moaner or mentally weak, but this led to further practices which dictated my mindset and initiated unhealthily obsessive behaviours.

IDLENESS AND OCD

For years I viewed OCD as a mythical illness only suffered by hyperchondriacs. I questioned whether some of my traits came under the bracket of being obsessive, but never admitted to their mark on my mental health. I had friends linked to anxiety, depression and M.E- things far more worthy of conversation and therapy than my silly behaviours which I could (supposedly) control. Having a lot of time to myself when I arrived here allowed these practices to develop further into unhealthily obsessive behaviours. For example I would obsessively write up to-do lists recipes to try, quantifying everything from the days until I would be home, budgeting my week, to quantifying my food. I took personal responsibility to the extreme and predicted terrible consequences if I wasn’t to align with these routines, for example that something bad would happen to someone that I love. Fear of these consequences for if I were to deviate from the plans i’d set out caused me huge anxiety and led to me obsessively following routine.

I have never denied that I have an obsessive personality but I allowed obsession to characterise who I was as a person. In punishing myself for the past and fearing the future, obsession prevented me from living in the present. I was overthinking everything and day to day life became far too pre-constructed. It is only since talking about these that I have started to break these unhealthy and consuming practices, and this has taught me that keeping it in is by no means a sign of mental strength. There is no shame to admit things aren’t all hunky dory as they may seem, and keeping things locked in can be all the more consuming.

TROUBLES WITH EATING

I initially starting tracking my macros in January 2018 as a challenge for the new year to see how disciplined I could be around food. As I started to see positive results in my training and my appearance I continued measuring my food, preparing my meals, and planning the days I could afford to treat myself, drink, etc. In this time my parents picked up on the compulsive traits of this practice and often suggested that it was over the top and anti-social, but I defended that the discipline was healthy and I was feeding my body properly.

Once I arrived in Australia I no longer had that supervision and once again I took certain practices to the extreme. Everything that passed my lips became measured and tracked in some way from its weight, its aesthetic, its health value, its protein value, etc. As these practices became so habituated I developed a fear of deviating from them. I became worried at the thought of being out of the house for more than a certain number of hours because this meant that I would get hungry and need to buy food from somewhere where I couldn’t trace the macros. Eventually I forced myself to become so disciplined that during this time I could dismiss food while I was out and substitute it with just coffee instead- ironically in the name of keeping “healthy”! Abiding by routine gave me a sense of fulfilment while I was lacking this in other areas such as a job. I proved that I was disciplined, I prioritised my health and I was living as opposed to backpacking Australia. The irony is that I became so consumed by living healthily that I had no balance to my life, and if I were to eat out for a meal with friends this would lead to the punishment of intensely training and not eating enough!

I was probably the fittest and leanest i’d ever been- people would compliment me for it and I was accepting my physique for the first time in my life. But this came at a cost where I didn’t know my own limits and eating dominated my life so much that it dramatically hindered my every day activities. What I posted on Instagram were only my best moments- when in reality I would prod my tummy and stand on the bathroom scales several times a day. If I was lighter, great- continue what I was doing. If I was heavier- the punishment of smaller portions, an extra training session the following day, opting for a long black instead of a soy flat white (voicing this is actually embarrassing because it’s clear to me of how ridiculous this sounds lol) Why do it? For external validation, which leads me to my next point.

SOCIAL MEDIA

When I began tracking my macros, posting my meals on my ‘health’ account kept me accountable to the goal I was working towards (i.e becoming my healthiest self and tracking my progress at the gym). It was initially fun to be getting creative in the kitchen and showing off my food, but as the posts became more routined I then anticipated judgment if I wasn’t to post, for example that my followers would think i’d eaten unhealthily and that i’d become unmotivated (once again it’s even embarrassing to admit this because the account was for myself and nothing to do with followers, and whats-more I didn’t have a following wider than my friends and family!). Following lots of fitness accounts was motivating but also contributed to this consuming practice.

I don’t deny that social media has a brought positive things to my experience here, for example allowing me to connect with friends and family on the other side of the world with ease, and I still follow certain health and wellness or fashion accounts. But I read something which made me question the value of some of those that I was previously following and encouraged me to unfollow the accounts which I thought contributed nothing positive to my life. This is not necessarily the fault of these individuals directly, but from becoming consumed by social media I have learnt that I need to try and stop comparing and not place my self-worth in the hands of others.

CAREER ASPIRATIONS

I’ve never classed myself as a very creative person but thanks to my job at Lululemon I work amongst an environment where I’m constantly inspired by new ideas daily and I genuinely love turning up for work. I’m proud to work for a company where they truly invest in unlocking peoples potential! Lululemon’s focus on innovation and entrepreneurship allows even store assistants to execute their ideas to grow the business. For example I recently had the idea of hosting a yoga morning for our guests (“customers”) on a special site where they could then enjoy complimentary coffee and raw treats on us. This required me to collaborate with a new local business and bring our ideas together to ensure the purpose of the event was met (i.e to expand our store community network by connecting our guests with local businesses). It sounds cringe but selling active-wear really is only a minor part of the job and I constantly defend that working for Lululemon is more than just working in retail! James Smith’s quotation of “It’s mad how creative you can be when you don’t hate your work life” really resonated with me. I have learnt that my career shouldn’t be dictated by what I think is good for my CV, for my reputation or for my payslip. Before coming here I was fixated on landing myself a job in a reputable profession when that career path wasn’t bringing me much fulfilment. I now feel the most successful I’ve felt thus far in my life and I haven’t measured this by material success, but from feeling happy and content with the path my life is taking. I’m excited by future opportunities to develop myself as a business-woman and I strive to learn more in working for companies similar to Lululemon.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The biggest realisation from travelling and being far away from my familiar support network is that the only person I should rely on is myself. I have learnt that you shouldn’t rely on others to make you feel good or to compliment you because the moment people stop your self-confidence is compromised. I’m only just starting to find confidence in myself and my capabilities, which brings me back to the opening paragraph of this post.

Having the confidence to recognise your strengths isn’t arrogant; it helps to identify your weaknesses and things to work on to becoming your best self. Feeling proud of the small successes and your strengths is part of embracing this process.

In being here alone I have faced physical, mental, emotional, financial and social adversity. I felt dampened by the fact that I wasn’t the fiercely independent woman I came out here to be, but it is from confronting this adversity which I believe has built me to becoming the strongest I’ve ever felt. Yes it took 9 months for me to fully embrace this life I’m currently living, but I feel proud to have stuck it out through the months when all I wanted to do was fly back to the comfort of home! I aspire to be more compassionate towards myself, and living this way will allow me to live without internally inflicted barriers.

Lastly, I found this quotation to be really thought-provoking:

“We are more interested in making others believe we are happy than trying to be happy in ourselves”.

ALMOST TEN MONTHS