AN HONEST ACCOUNT OF MY DIFFICULTIES WITH FOOD
Disclaimer 01/03/20: I wrote this a week ago during a particularly low point in this process. Since acknowledging certain difficulties to those closest to me, I truly feel like i’m on the road to progress and my feelings have begun to alter. This post was a cathartic exercise for me to voice and make sense of my thoughts when they became all the more confusing and consuming. There was no real conclusion to it other than voicing how I had enough. Since then the conclusion I have come to is that the most important thing in this process is to speak out. Don’t bottle up any feelings of unworthiness, or bottle anything up in the concern of others opinions. Don’t be too proud to reach out for help. Accept that some things are better solved with the help of others. Reaching for help doesn’t compromise your independence or your worth. Speaking out is uncomfortable and takes courage. Yes, others guide you in this transition of change, but ultimately the changes are being made by you. It’s the beginning of you making changes for yourself to become the person you want to be.
It so happens to be Eating Disorders Awareness Week next week, and I can’t help but feel as if the advent of this post couldn’t have come at a more apt time. It has taken a few conversations over these past few weeks to put the impeding thoughts of mine from the last few months into words. In fact, these thoughts haven’t just been from the past few months, they have lingered for years. I have not written this post for any sympathy, but merely to explain how i’m feeling to those closest to me (because I’ve struggled to do so verbally).
I have just had a long conversation with a friend at the gym- contrary to our plan of fitting in a sweaty conditioning session to blow out the cobwebs. Coming out of it I feel like it’s another new turning point for me- it’s the beginning of me coming out and saying things I have been too ashamed to admit in recent months. It’s a turning point in me making sense of the behaviours which have consumed my mindset not just for months, but I am now realising have affected me for years.
I can now say that this version of myself at the moment is not me. The only way I can describe it is that I am some sort of robot, numb to feedback from the outside world and becoming increasingly introverted- a version of myself i’ve not been for a few years now. I’m still positive, I’m still bubbly, I’m still motivated and i’m still hard-working. When people ask how I am: “I’m good! I’m busy, bloody busy. Just gymming, just working”. But that’s it. That’s just it. I’m just gymming, just working, nothing else to me other than the odd catch up with friends in and around work (which at the moment is the few hours I squeeze in after a long 9 hour shift before I get an early night ready to up get up again at 6am for the same thing). I feel physically fine to be on my feet for 15 hours a day every single day- I feel physically strong enough to cope with it. But a comment from my Dad last week struck a nerve and made me question if physical strength can really translate to an aligning mental strength.
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I have always taken pride in being positive and wanting to lead by example to those around me, but I am now realising that this has sometimes been to the detriment of my own mental health. At this particular moment in time I feel ashamed to be cracking on the inside. Yes, my body is coping with working a 7 day work week, but i’m now questioning if my mindset is matched with the same strength. Without sounding dramatic, my confidence is really bloody low. What’s more, I loathe that I’m even writing something so narcissistic and centred around the presence I bring to outside world. I haven’t let on to this in the fear that others with have an altered view of my strength. There it is, my ego getting in the way there. I know for a fact no-one gives a shit (excuse the language) how I look on the outside. No-one’s life or emotion is effected by the exterior I present. However, the persona I give to those I love is just a shell of the person they’ve seen when I’ve been in times of contentment. I know I have my shit together, I work harder than anyone else I know, I find hours in my already active day to go to the gym. I am in the continual pursuit of progress. But the thing that is letting me down? How I eat. My weight. It’s honestly the most uncomfortable thing to admit. The body I present to the outside world doesn’t mirror the disciplined, motivated person I am. Why? Because I no longer have control with what I eat.
Several months ago I expressed the difficult relationship I had with obsessive eating habits in the form of what I suppose you could label Orthorexia.
Orthorexia: “An unhealthy obsession with eating “pure” food. This can vary from person to person. The eating behaviour involved (eating healthy or clean) is used to cope with negative thoughts or feelings, or to feel in control. Someone using food in this way might feel extremely anxious or guilty if they eat food they feel is unhealthy”.
And on the other end of the spectrum: Binge Eating Disorder.
BED: “People with binge eating disorder eat large quantities of food, over a short period of time (called bingeing). BED is not about choosing to eat extra-large portions, or the people who suffer from it just “overindulging”- far from being enjoyable, binges are distressing. Sufferers find it difficult to stop during a binge even if they want to, and some people with binge eating disorder have described feeling disconnected from what they’re doing during a binge”.
I hate to categorise, but all of the symptoms from the above do resemble my own behaviour’s. Having a normal routine outside of bingeing episodes, eating rapidly, eating when not hungry, eating when uncomfortably full, social withdrawal and isolation, irritability, low self-esteem, feelings of shame and guilt after bingeing.
This is the one part of my life I am no longer in control of and it’s starting to show. In losing my control I am failing myself, and yes, I know how unhealthy this reads. One day i’m on a 40 hour fast, the next I’m shoving everything that crosses my eyes down me whether I enjoy the taste or not. This has led to me wanting minimal to no interaction with my friends and family.
I really am struggling to find the balance and I am realising the traits of OCD are potentially present in my mindset still, despite believing I left it behind me last year. I know what’s good for my body by the book, and I know a balanced lifestyle will enhance this as well as my mindset. The issue is that I can’t strike that balance. Food is no longer the pleasure without consequences for me- consequences to both my body and my mindset.
To be honest I don’t really know how to conclude this post, other than I want this to be the start of me reclaiming a body I love and display my best-self in. A body I feel confident in and expose my traits without question in my mind of what others may think of me. I’m determined. I simply want to be the best version of myself and I will get there.
